Dismantling My Inner Patriarchy

At the life-changing age of 40, I experienced a revelation: I wasn't going to do stuff that I didn't want to anymore unless I had to. Requirements such as work or caring for my children were not optional. Accepting an invitation to a party was now optional and I could say no to anything just for simply not wanting to do it. Another interesting thing I noticed as I approached 40 - but more accurately after I had my second child at age 33 - I started to feel invisible. The smiles from strangers were less forthcoming, I seemed to breeze in and out of spaces that were for "young people" without being seen. For example, if I went to a nightclub or bar, the patrons didn't look at me at all. I was wallpaper.

Being invisible was a little unnerving at first and it made me kind of sad. Now that I was overweight, older, and had two children in tow, I was treated vastly differently than when I was young, thin, and childless. It was almost as if my value had been extracted and what was left, nobody wanted. And when you think of it, as a resource, largely my usefulness to men was no longer evident or on display. I was no longer slim, with smooth tight skin, perky breasts, and a uterus still open for commission.

Now, I view being invisible as a superpower. No more lascivious looks or remarks. No more catcalling from cars, or long lingering stares from random guys. No more really bad pick up lines. Now that I've aged out of the patriarchy, meaning men no longer look at me as a required participant of the male gaze, I am free to move about freely without (much) commentary on my adherence to the male gaze. It's optional for me at this point. For those women over a certain age, it's exceedingly difficult to appease the male gaze. Just think about how much work Jennifer Lopez has to do to maintain her "appeal."

I have decided not to appeal to the male gaze anymore. As I mentioned before, it's incredibly difficult, almost impossible. Not caring has freed up time, resources, and brain space. And who was I really catering to? My husband? He says he loves me unconditionally, and he's seen me give birth. There's no pretending that I am perfectly coiffed anymore. If not my husband, then who? Strangers on the street? Men on the internet? If you truly think about catering to the male you'll realize just how gross it is: You want strangers (all men) to deem you attractive enough that they'd sleep with you. That's gross.

I'm trying to purge the "little man" in my head that tells me how to dress, what to hate about myself, and how to make men want to have sex with me. He burrowed in there around the age of ten, convinced me to center men and my usefulness to them, and I need to get him out of there. He's a nuisance. That is my New Year's resolution: Deconstruct, dismantle, and purge the patriarchy in my head. I am no longer invited to the male gaze, I'd have to climb a mountain and cross an ocean to appeal to the male gaze, and I simply don't want to do that.

I wish I had come to this conclusion a long time ago. I cringe when I think back on my past on all the time and energy I spent to shave, pluck, straighten, shop, apply makeup, act against my true nature, and on and on.

My next novel is about Evelyn Williams. She's Roan's friend from the first novel, and she has already obtained what I want: She's not concerned with the male gaze (there is one exception to get what she wants, but she looks at it like a transaction). This book will be written in conjunction with the deconstruction of my internal patriarchy by exploring what kind of person it would take to be unconcerned with that whole galaxy.

If you are a woman, and you wonder why my novels feature angry feminists, look no further than the comments section of a woman who posts a photograph of herself after obtaining her PhD, citing the title of her thesis. The misogyny is astounding on this non-controversial photo. https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/ckgxvpzp9wvo